Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
