Your face is a jimmy john
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
