you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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