Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
