she woke up with a sticky ear
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
