I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
