hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Drunk is not a location!
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
