My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
