I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
