Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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