the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
