Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
40s are totally the cure
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
