Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
