I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
