Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
