I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
