I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
