Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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