Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
The power of my boobs compel you
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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