yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
