I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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