my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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