Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
