i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
