FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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