in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
