Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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