If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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