I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
