just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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