The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
