I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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