I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
