Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
