i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
