Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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