You made me cry and you don't even care
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
