...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
