God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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