I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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