chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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