Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
