dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
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I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
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He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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