Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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