well you can't waste a boner
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
