We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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