I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
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