Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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