the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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