I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
