Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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