I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
