My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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