At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I will be naked everywhere
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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