I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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