I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Never joke about your clitoris.
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