hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
