Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
