I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
