Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
