Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
