if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
